


Cut

by Tuliharja



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cuts, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual MadaTobi, Eventual Relationships, Feelings, First Time, Hidden meanings, Hiding, Hurt/Comfort, Hydrangea, Language of Flowers, M/M, Madara is understading, Madara won't tolerate Tobirama's coping mechanism, Marking, Memory, Psychological Trauma, Self-Harm, Tobirama is cinnamonroll, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, cut, incision, supporting - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-21 05:19:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14277759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tuliharja/pseuds/Tuliharja
Summary: To not repeat his mistakes and thus remember them, Tobirama decides to mark his skin with patterns. However, those patterns are made in a questionable way that will eventually lead a certain person to make sure there won't be anymore in the future.





	1. First cuts

Tobirama took a slow breath between his clenched teeth. He glanced the mirror front of him the tenth time, making sure the lines on his face are clear enough. He used charcoal to draw horizontal lines on his cheeks and then one vertical line across his chin. The lines are thin, delicate, and beautiful. They gave an artistic touch to his pale skin. Yet Tobirama knew it would change soon. It had to.

Slowly, he lifted the kunai and glanced in the mirror. He had made sure to put the mirror far enough away to make sure it wouldn't get dirty. Having such beautiful mirrors like this one was rare. In fact, the mirror wasn't even his, but his late mother's. Again, someone he had failed. He had failed so many of his comrades, but the heaviest failures have been his brothers. He failed Itama and Kawarama by letting them get killed. Not by directly by his own hand, but he could have as well done that when the Uchihas killed them both. He should had been faster and stronger. He should had been better!

Taking a shaky breath, he lifted the kunai and made a small cut across his cheek. For a moment everything seemed to still within Tobirama's vision, before pain came to him like a tidal wave. It made him want to whimper and heal the wound he just made, but he knew he couldn't.

'The cut isn't deep enough,' he thought as he prepared himself for another cut, and this time let the kunai's blade press firmer against his soft skin. It pierced the skin deeper than before, cutting his tissue and leaving red behind. The pain shot through his body, making Tobirama blink his eyes several times, but he already had made another cut.

'Just a bit more…' He thought as he made the cut, but this time it was enough deep. He drew the kunai across his cheek, before he pulled the blade away, looking at it briefly as his hands trembled. Yet, as he looked in the mirror he can see how the blood is making the half of his face his brutalized red. It looked almost like Inuzuka clan's tattoos. But he knew once he finished and cleaned up his wounds, those won't look anything like those mutts' tattoos. No, they would look _fierce_ and they would remind him _not to fail anymore_.

Tobirama lifted his kunai once more and pierced his chin. Yet this time when he does, he could hear someone behind himself shuffling around. Then he heard Hashirama's booming voice. Having been too distracted by his pain, he didn't sense his brother until now. That was the fatal mistake he had made as his older brother opened the shoji screen. There was a lot of shouting, mostly made by Hashirama as he rushed up to Tobirama, hoping to stop him. Yet the younger one had already finished his deed.

"Tobirama, what did you do?" Hashirama yelled as he lifted his hands to heal Tobirama's face.

Tobirama smacked his brother's hands away, a feral snarl making it's way across his features. He knew his brother's chakra was too powerful, too _kind_. It would heal and hide his failures, try to cocoon him up into a blanket of utter ignorant _bliss_ which he couldn't afford. He must _remember_. And the best way to do that? Each time he would see his face it could remind him of his failures. No, not his failures, but the fact he has to be _better_ , to be the ruthless machine their father designed him to be. That way he wouldn't fail anyone _again._


	2. More patterns

The next time Tobirama decided to pierce his skin was after the fatal blow he delivered to Izuna. It isn't because Izuna, but because his older brother. The face, the look and the words afterwards that Tobirama received from Hashirama made him return back to his old patterns. The pattern to remember his mistakes for the future, just so he wouldn't do those again. But this time, he is smarter and older. This time he wasn't going use rough edged kunai or do it somewhere where others could see his marks.

He glanced the mirror near of him. It's an old mirror, but not as fine one as his late mother's was. He remembers how Hashirama took it away from him after he had made his markings to his face, as if to prevent such thing ever happening again. He also remembers his father's face: the disappointment and frustration. The words of how he could have been so stupid? The words are far echo upon his mind, but those still pierced Tobirama's heart. Especially now, when Hashirama said those exact same words to him yesterday.

It was the fatal blow he had delivered to Izuna that sent that chain of events into a motion. Things that Tobirama couldn't had ever seen if not being there. He still remembered Hashirama's pleas to his old friend to help his only remaining sibling. Izuna's poisonous words and the hesitation upon Madara's face. And then…

Sighing, Tobirama took his wakizashi and twirled it lightly in his hands. It was a small weapon, but its blade is extremely sharp. He sharpened it just for this occasion.

Glancing over his shoulder, Tobirama double checked that he had locked the door before he sat down. He took the wakizashi and makes the first cut just above his knee. To prevent anyone ever seeing or asking stupid questions, Tobirama made a perfect plan where to cut himself: to his middle torso, since if he made cuts there his clothes would hide those even if he would wear short-sleeves.

He narrowed his eyes as he looked at the small cut. It wasn't enough. He had to make better patterns. Something that would stand out. After all, he almost ruined his precious brother's dreams.

Thinking this, he grit his teeth together and hit the wakizashi to the first cut before he started to move the blade across his torso. He made patterns here and there, those actually looking in some bizarre way beautiful. Tobirama just couldn't help himself. He knew that this is supposed to be both punishment _and_ lesson to himself, but he couldn't stop himself. He couldn't stop designing the beautiful patterns on his skin. After all, these would stay forever with him. Reminding him and telling him not to step over his boundaries. He wasn't designed like that, to make stupid decision or take lead. _No,_ he was supposed to follow quietly like a shadow and do as he's told. Like a good little soldier and brother that he was.

A sharp breath and for a moment everything was clear within Tobirama's mind. He couldn't help but wonder just what in the Sage of Sixth Path's name he is doing. Had he finally gone mad? Perhaps, but this is the best way to deal with the stress, the pain and expectations. The latter that he failed in a miserable manner. After all, drinking or using drugs would make him less effective than this. The cuts will hurt temporarily, he didn't use any herbs to keep the pain at bay, but in the end, those would heal into scars that would only ache during rain or when the weather changes quickly.

The irony of that made Tobirama let out something between cry and laughter as he took the blade away and cleaned it. After that he cleaned all of the cuts just to look his master piece.

"Dammit, it came out reversed," he cusses as he looks down at the pattern that he'd drawn in his skin while looking at the mirror. That was the only comment he made before he returned to his duties.


	3. Hydrangea

"What are these?" Madara questioned as his fingertips felt lines on Tobirama's skin. It felt raised and rough. He moved his fingertips along the line, just to realize it seemed to go on and on what ever it was. The Uchiha lifted Tobirama's shirt as curiosity won over the desire to kiss the younger one, yet his actions were stopped quickly by the other one whom grabbed his shirt and pulled it back down. The action was odd. And frankly speaking it was also a mood killer.

Lifting his dark eyes, Madara tried to catch Tobirama's look to ask what it was about, just to see hint of embarrassment. And was that shame as well? Madara wasn't unfamiliar to those feelings, but the situation didn't have anything to be ashamed off. No matter how many scars or such Tobirama would bear, Madara would accept it. After all, he knew he had more than just few scattered all across his body from various battles, so why did Tobirama seem like ready to run away?

"No need to be shy," Madara coaxed Tobirama. There could also be the possibility Tobirama was embarrassed over the fact he wasn't as experienced as Madara himself was. As far as Madara knew, Tobirama's experience was basically nonexistent. Yet it gave him reason to treat this whole thing carefully. He wanted tonight to be _special._ To say Tobirama was little bit slow would be the biggest underestimating anyone could do about him. Madara had had to bluntly say he wanted to be with him and that no, it wasn't a joke. As laughable as that sounded, if Madara would now meet his past-self and tell that Madara he would fall for the white-haired Senju, that Madara probably would think he was under very strong genjutsu. But no. The big, bad Madara Uchiha had fallen for Tobirama Senju and he didn't feel any shame for that. After all, he had learned who the _true_ Tobirama was. So why it seemed the other one was shutting him away, after their long dating?

Allowing himself to let out a bit frustrated sigh, Madara eyed Tobirama for any hint or clue why Tobirama was acting the way he was. By now Tobirama had backed away from him few steps, his hands still clutching his shirt.

"Okay, I'll take my shirt at first away if it'll make you feel any be-" Madara started yet stopped abruptly when Tobirama shook his head lightly. Tilting his head, Madara reached over Tobirama slowly, to make sure Tobirama wouldn't back away even more. Gently, he grabbed Tobirama's wrist with his hand, before slowly tugging Tobirama's hand away. Then, Madara reached over his other wrist and tugged it too away. Now that Tobirama's hands were once again away from his shirt, Madara took a step forward, coming into Tobirama's personal space.

No reaction, which was a good thing, Madara thought. It was by now obvious to him, whatever it was, it was underneath that black shirt. Silently, the older one cupped Tobirama's cheek gently, just to brush the cut upon the pale cheek.

'Same feeling,' Madara realized as he connected the clues together. Now it was up to him just to reassure Tobirama he wouldn't mind the scars. As weird as that felt. It wasn't like Tobirama was female whom would need reassurance over their appearance.

"I have scars too," Madara confessed to Tobirama whom merely let out small, tight laughter between his lips. Had Madara's assumption gone wrong? That small sound indicated it was.

Narrowing his eyes slightly, Madara cupped Tobirama's other cheek, just to pull his forehead against his.

"Hey, whatever it's, I won't judge," he told him firmly, his voice reassuring.

"I doubt that," Tobirama finally breathed out, making Madara even more puzzled. Apparently, his look was enough to tell Tobirama he needed proper explanation to this as the younger one pulled away from him gently.

"I…" Tobirama said quietly, before shaking his head. Whatever it was, it was starting to make Madara worry as it was making Tobirama extremely distressed. Yet he knew this needed to be dealt or their relationship would hit a dead end which could mean them breaking up. That was something Madara wouldn't allow. At least not without a _proper_ reason or explanation.

Quietly, Madara pulled Tobirama into a reassuring hug, wanting to tell him so many things, yet he knew at times it was just best to show instead tell. For a moment the two men stood there, the other one hugging the other. Finally, what felt like few hours to Madara, Tobirama pulled away and grabbed the hem of his shirt.

"Promise… promise not to flip too much, okay?" were the sensitive words Tobirama asked. Madara couldn't help but merely nod in a muted manner to him. The suspense had already started to eat him alive, despite the fact he knew it couldn't be anything _that_ bad.

How wrong he was. It was _worse_.

Once Tobirama had pulled his shirt away, Madara could see lines going across his torso. Those were lines that seemingly went here and there, but Madara could see pattern upon those. He also could see those were made in purpose and accurate manner. He realized, Tobirama himself had made those.

His breath hitched a bit as he felt anger bubble inside of him, but those feelings died down upon seeing Tobirama's down casted look. It was obvious the man knew what he had done to his body had been ridiculous and stupid, yet he still had done it. What boggled Madara's mind was the reason why. Tobirama was one of most intelligent people he had ever met, so why?

"Why?" Madara finally breathed out, making Tobirama look him almost panicked manner.

Many emotions flashed upon those red eyes, some which Madara never would had associated with Tobirama. Anger, fear, embarrassment, sadness, pain, and also 'please understand me'.

Yet Madara couldn't. He couldn't understand, not at least without a proper explanation. But it was obvious one wouldn't come, so instead of gazing into Tobirama's eyes, Madara focused at the pattern on Tobirama's skin.

" _'Heartlessness and acting without thinking about the feelings of another'_ and _'boasting and bragging about false accomplishments'_ ," Madara stated, quoting something that he had once read from a botany book his mother had owned. Madara recalled it had basically been only book outside of any weapon book he had read when he had been a child. Tilting his head once again, his eyes flickered to Tobirama whom was gazing down to the floor.

"…I made it after I almost killed Izuna," he confessed, making Madara's breath once again hitch. "I almost ruined everything…again."

The words that left from Tobirama's lips came out trembling. It didn't go unnoticed by Madara Tobirama seemingly recalled the events afterwards of the almost deadly blown to Izuna. He could see self-hatred and disgust within Tobirama's posture and eyes.

And then, Madara understood. He truly understood why Tobirama had made that pattern upon his chest.

But it didn't mean it made the past action fine.

Once again Madara reached over to Tobirama and cupped his cheek gently, lovingly. His eyes searched his, finally catching Tobirama's attention fully.

" _'Heartfelt and honest emotions of any kind'_ and _'developing a deeper understanding between two people'_ ," Madara stated in low tone, wanting Tobirama to understand there was more to him than being soldier, failure or a mess up. That he was precious the way he was and why he should cherish himself. That and also let Madara cherish him, since despite this Madara was in love with him. Sure, Madara would now keep an eye out for any situation that could possibly trigger Tobirama to cut himself again and do his best to stop it, but he wouldn't shout at him or tell him how stupid he was. He knew what Tobirama needed now was comfort and love.

"If you ever feel like that again, seek me. No matter what time or place, come to me," Madara told to Tobirama, who merely nodded to him. "Understand?"

"Yes," Tobirama breathed quietly, making Madara sigh lightly. That should do for now.

Slowly, he pulled Tobirama into a soft kiss that lasted few brief seconds. The kiss was short and sweet, an innocent event, but it drove the point across. Because after they separated from the kiss, Tobirama leaned his forehead against Madara's shoulder, letting out a shuddering breath. Another shuddering breath and then something wet seeped through his clothing. Quietly, the older one wrapped his arms around the younger one to comfort him and show him he wouldn't leave. That he would accept him, even if he wouldn't always agree with him.

Madara continued to hold Tobirama while he cried quietly, knowing that he needed that release of emotions.

After a while Madara felt Tobirama calm down and only then he released him from the hug.

"Sorry, this…wasn't really what you had in mind, eh?" Tobirama asked softly, making Madara shake his head.

"No, but I'm still glad," he stated, wrapping loose manner his arms around Tobirama's waist. "For you to trust me enough to share this with me. I'm both upset and grateful."

"I can imagine that and I… I will try my best not to…add more patterns to my skin, should the need ever arise again," Tobirama promised slowly. "And also make this up to you."

Lifting his dark eyebrow, Madara gazed into Tobirama's eyes.

"As tempting that sounds, I was thinking we still would do it. I'll be extra gentle," Madara promised, making Tobirama look him a bit owlish manner. "Trust me: after this, you'll find new, _better_ habit to deal out all the negative things."

The look upon Tobirama's face made Madara once again return back to the mood of lovemaking. He would make Tobirama's mind explode tonight. That was a promise he made to himself as he pulled Tobirama onto the bed.


End file.
